17 July 2013

Fit for a King

Today I'm in Ottawa, hanging out with my mother Violet, and taking advantage of her giant bathroom.

It's so much bigger than the one I have at home, and I thought a change of scenery might make the dreaded shower & bandage combo a little bit more fun. Her bathroom is quite lavish. It was custom designed by my dad who, after his three daughters left, was finally able to design his dream room.

Not only does it have a huge Jacuzzi tub, but also a built in magazine rack, phone, marble soap dishes, and a warming light. It also has a huge switch panel, and not knowing what any of them actually do - I turn them all on whenever I enter the room. I should mention that my dad was a lovely Cape Bretonner, who apparently had some hidden 'Graceland’ tastes.

But showering in Elvis's bathroom wasn't any more fun than showering at home. In fact, the wall of mirrors made it difficult for me to avoid myself, so I kept my eyes squeezed shut when I exited the tub. Even through the steam I could make out the silhouette of a fleshy hunchback, and a whole pile of stitches. So I wrapped myself in a towel, groped around for the light switches, and shuffled down the hall.

I was just taping up my stomach behind closed doors when I heard my mother yelling. 'You forget the Horlick'. I strained to hear her. 'The Horlick,' she repeated, 'You always forget to turnip the horlick'. 
I opened my door to ask her what she could possibly be saying.

'The WHORE LIGHT!' she said, slightly exasperated.

'What on earth is a whore light?'

'You know,' she said, 'The red light that you always use in the bathroom. The one with the sticky switch'.

Turns out that the red light my 80 year old mother is referring to, is the warming light that I call the 'Kentucky Fried Chicken Light', as it's the same red one that they used to keep the greasy drumsticks warm, last time I went into a KFC, in the late 70's. But now it made sense. A washroom for a King and a light for a Madame.

I take back what I said. Showering at Violet's is much more fun than showering at home.


  1. Anonymous17 July, 2013

    Turnip the Horlik .... I'm not going to forget that expression.