Postponing my Nipples

Two Nipples Please!

I work in an open concept office. Of the dozen people in the room, two are my friends. The other ten are almost strangers, yet I know WAY too much about their lives. Such is joy of working without walls.

I’ve heard phone conversations about finances, children, adultery (suspected), dog walkers, cold sores and diets (mostly unsuccessful). I try not to listen, but I can’t help it. And I certainly don’t want anyone listening to me.

Last week my cell phone was acting up, so I was forced to use a land line. Early  morning almost everyone was out of the office or hooked up to earphones. I rolled my chair to a quiet corner, picked up the phone, and dialed my Plastic Surgoen’s office.

My aim was to leave a message requesting a postponement of my nipple surgery. My previously scheduled appointment (May 27) interferes with my upcoming job, so I’m opting for a delay. Besides, they’re just nipples. I’ve been living without them for almost a year and it hasn’t made much difference to my life. Nipples, shnipples.

Suprisingly, the secretary answered the phone after the first ring. ‘Hello.’ I said, ‘I’d like to postpone my procedure.’

‘What procedure is that?’ she asked

‘Two new nipples, and removal of one dog ear.’

I provided my information and she put me on hold, ostensibly to check her calendar. Though after last years’ scheduling fuck-up, I suspect she may have just kicked back and eaten a tin of diet pudding. A few minutes later she came back on the line and suggested July 15. Perfect!

Just then John the graphics guy entered the room. I caught his eye and he waved at me. I congratulated myself on my excellent timing. Had it been 15 seconds sooner…….oh no!

‘What procedure was that again?’ came the voice on the phone. 

‘Nipples.’ I hissed into the phone. John was smiling and walking towards me.

‘I’m sorry,’ said the secretary, ‘I didn’t hear you.’

John was nearing my desk. ‘Nipples’ I said as quietly as possible. 'Two, please.’

‘Right’ she said ‘Got it. And what was the other thing?'

I held up my finger in the universal sign of ‘I’ll just be a minute’, but John may have been the only person on this planet who didn’t know what that meant. He stood patiently beside me.

‘Dog ear’ I said quietly into the receiver.

‘See you in July!’ she chirped.

I hung up the phone and started chatting with John before he had a chance to ask questions.  Next phone call will require more privacy. We haven’t even begun to talk about my tattoos.