Cat Toys & Nipple Protectors

Bring me toys

I had this strange fantasy that once my stitches were out, my nipples would fall off and roll across the floor like marbles. Once on the ground, the cats would start swatting them and they’d end up under the bed covered in dust like the rest of the cat toys. But luckily that wasn’t quite the case.

The stitches came out pretty smoothly with the help of a tall strapping nurse named Kevin. He told me that he’d just been transferred to plastics, which became obvious when I opened my gown. ‘Wow!’ he said enthusiastically, ‘Those are beautiful!’  Apparently, for both of us, nipples were still a novelty. ‘Who made these?’ he asked, as though admiring a rare diamond. 'These are MARVELOUS.'

After the stitches came out, Kevin rebandaged me. As usual it was gauze, nipple protectors, more gauze, all held on with cloth tape. The ‘protectors’ themselves were nothing fancy. Dr. H had created them by cutting off the bottoms of a small plastic pill cup. Frankly – I expected more sophisticated technology from Toronto’s finest hospital, but they did the trick, and were Dr H’s parting gift to me.

Nipple Protectors. Mistmatched.

That night it was a relief at night when I could take off all my bandages and take my boobs bed. Luckily I’m a back sleeper, so I was confident that no harm would come to my fabulous nips. I took off my plastic protectors and set them on the dresser.  

At about three in the morning I heard a little scratching. I turned on the light.  Eddie, our 20 lb cat, was sprawled lazily across the dresser, his giant paw resting atop my nipple protector. I got up to grab him, but he jumped down from the dresser, apparently taking his new toy with him. I was too tired to look for it, and fell asleep with the sound of happily playing under the bed. 

The next morning I could only find one nipple protector. So I put it on. Then I went to the kitchen and took the lid off a bottle of Perrier, put that on the other side, and covered it with tape. I figured the missing item was probably down a vent, or in a shoe somewhere.

But luckily it was the only thing gone missing, and my new nipples were still safely stuck on me.