My psychiatrist called in sick.
I must admit to being annoyed, as I’d planned my entire week
around this meeting. Dr. L had been assigned to be by my social worker, who said that an appointment, whether or not it was necessary, was a healthy
pre-emptive strike. So I agreed to do it as long as it didn’t involve any group
activity.
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After talking for two hours, she came up with this diagnosis.
Apparently I spend too much time worrying about other peoples reactions. Admittedly,
others' feelings are often foremost in my mind. I thought that most people
experienced this concern, to which Dr L replied, ‘Most people are selfish pricks’,
or something to that effect.
She recommended that I don’t worry about what others think.
Offer no explanations if people look at my hair. Don’t hide the fact that I’m
going through chemo, but if people get overly sympathetic, say matter-of-factly,
‘I appreciate your concern’. Let's move along, shall we?
So today I was looking forward to talking to my
Psychiatrist. It’s true – I did enjoy talking to someone who had no emotional
investment in my situation, and I liked saying whatever I wanted without being
self-censored or articulate. Over the holidays I’d even come up with a few
choice topics – and I was looking forward to our conversation.
So when Dr. L's secretary called to tell me she was ill, I felt I
should say something generous about a speedy recovery. But I was a little angry, and
I’m trying not to care about other people’s feelings. So I said that I’d turned
down an out of town event for this appointment, one which I’d been waiting anticipating for seven weeks. I told
her that I was upset. Unapologetic, she said she’d try to squeeze me in next
week. I wanted to say more, to tell her that their system of having appointment
two months apart is ridiculous, even without the cancellations. I also wanted to tell her that I didn't like her attitude, but just in case she was having a bad day, I didn't want to hurt her feelings.
Clearly I need another appointment. Not caring what people thinks takes work.
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