6 October 2012

Shiny Butterfly

My stylist, Jim,  gave me a silver necklace for my birthday. It’s an old wax seal, and on it is the image of a butterfly.  It’s very beautiful, as is its' symbolism, which is the soul, transformation, metamorphosis, and rebirth.

Regardless of the fact that I was transformed against my will, the message behind the necklace is profound. My transformation is both physical and mental, and I still can’t quite figure it out. There are the obvious things like the hair and the scars, and there are the invisible things like the fact that I’ve had to dig deeper into my soul than I ever thought possible. And then there is the fact that I’ve had the chance to peer into the souls of others, and was both humbled and surprised.

But the transformation of a butterfly is much more abrupt. It goes from an ugly little larva into something so astonishingly beautiful that you forgive Mother Nature for having invented more unsightly things such as Ozzie Osborne and genital warts. And of course, there is the fact that the ugly larva turns into something that can fly. Flying is the ultimate transformation, and something to aspire to.  How amazing to go from a something so clumsy and slow to something so light and beautiful and surrounded by air.

I am anxious to get to the flying stage. It’s been over a year since my diagnosis and I live in a world filled with confusion, night sweats, and mood swings that are only a few personalities short of Sybil. Not that my life is bad – not by any stretch – it’s just a constant period of readjustment. Big emotions trying to fit into old routines often come with a bit of pain.

So in receiving this necklace, I decided to do a little research into butterflies. I read all he scientific stuff, and as fascinating as it was, I promptly forgot everything. Except this. ‘The caterpillar spends practically all their time in search of food’.

Well, that’s me! Constantly in search of something to eat I am a caterpillar! And though it’s not what I aspire to be there is comfort in knowing that I am at a stage where I’m doing exactly what I’m meant to do.

Which means that one day, I’ll get to where I’m meant to be.