An Alien in the Office

‘You’re glowing’, said the receptionist at work. I cringed. It’s not the first time that someone has said this to me. Even though I’m more tired than I’ve ever been in my life, my skin is robust and glistening. Of course this isn’t remotely natural. The radiation is still working its way through my body and is turning me into a microwave oven. I am emitting something that has nothing to do with my DNA, and it has turned me into an alien.

Get Me Outa Here!

Of course, that’s exactly how I feel. Someone who has landed on earth but is not quite wired like the rest of them.  I’ve been plucked up from normalcy,  rebuilt (mentally and physically), and then put back down into my life.  Sort of like the Bionic Woman, but without the supersonic hearing and extra strong right arm. Rather than Lindsay Wagner in her high waisted jeans, I’m a little lost space person from a foreign land, wearing Janet's clothes,  and hiding under a smart little hat.

Only one man at work knows my true identity, and I only told him out of necessity. I couldn’t think of any other way to explain why I was going to be doing the least amount of work possible. He’s my direct boss, and I barely know him, but figured he had to know.  Anyway, he’s been very nice about things and incredibly un-demanding.  We’ve haven't chatted much, but I’ve already learned that he’s adopted. A detailed he volunteered, I think, because he thinks he thought he owed me something. It’s funny when you tell someone about your inner alien, they want to show you their inner alien too.

Most of my other colleagues just want to comment on my hair. Even though I always wear a hat, the drastic change is obvious. Everybody has an opinion, and like a good alien, I stand politely while people decide whether or not my hairdo meets their approval (reviews are mixed).

This is a far cry from my life at non-work, where everybody knows all about me. My friends, my family, my nurses, all take everything in stride. Nobody questions why I wear the same clothes everyday or go to bed at 9. Also, amongst my people my hair is never a big deal, and every itsy-bitsyy baby step is met with applause and approval. This is my planet; the cozy environment that is my home, and the loved ones that support me. But for now I am back at work. And everyone is friendly and seemingly happy to see me. But just as I feel like I might start to feel like I almost fit in, someone has something to say.

‘You look radiated!,’ was the last comment of the day from our accountant.  I stopped for a minute. Of course, what she was saying was ‘radiant.’ And I of course what she meant was that I am the medium for a bunch of energized particles. But I didn’t correct her.  Outside I may be glowing, but inside I just want to go home.

Sucky Baby

When I was six, my parents announced that my sister and I were going to spend a week at overnight camp. I was horrified. ‘Why?!?!’ I cried. ‘Why are you making me go?’

‘Because it’s fun’, they said. But I couldn’t imagine anything fun about sleeping in a bed that wasn’t mine, having ‘friends’ that were not mine, or having to eat a hotdog that wasn’t made in my kitchen.

But the decision had been made, and I found myself being driven up to a campground hours from home. Of course I cried all the way there. My parents, who were chatting happily under a cloud of cigarette smoke, said ‘You’ll love it!’  My sister Sue, who was thrilled to be busting out of the house, had her head out the window and was singing her heart out. She’d only pull her head in long enough to smooth her hair, look at me scornfully, and call me a ‘sucky baby.’

Hell

Once we arrived, my parents had to pry me out of my seat.  I begged to go home with them in their smokey car, but after seeing that there was another adult to take the reigns, they couldn’t get out of there fast enough. I watched them as they drove off, my mothers arm sticking out the window, a cigarette resting lightly in her fingers.

That first night we sat by the fire. Sue was having the time of her life. Leading a sing-song, clapping her hands, and pretending that she didn’t know me. Meanwhile, I was huddled under a blanket, silently trying to digest a burnt wiener. I caught my sisters’ eye for a split second, just long enough for her to mouth the words ‘sucky baby’.  I prayed that someone would come and get me. Which they did, the very next day.

As I was getting ready for work last night, I had the same feeling I did as when I was being sent off to camp.  Having been close to home for the last eight months, the thought of going back to work with a crowd of people I hadn’t seen in a while was not the least bit fun. I couldn’t imagine walking into the office with my inch of hair, my hat, my lopsided boobs, and eight months worth of emotions. Not my old self at all. And, I’d have to eat a sandwich that wasn’t made in my own kitchen.

But I did what I could to get ready. Gave myself a pedicure. Did four loads of laundry. Cried. Then my sister Sue called to ask how I was doing, and I cried some more. She asked what I was so worried about and I said that I don’t feel safe at work -  I only felt safe at home. There was a short pause.‘But honey,’ she said, ‘You were never safe at home this year. You had terrible things going on in your head.’

And she was right. If you don’t feel safe in your head it doesn’t matter where you are. So I got up the next morning an listened to my old friend Belleruth and her Guided Meditation. Together we conjured up some magical friends and special protectors to help me through my day.

And so I drove myself to work. Instead of my family by my side I had my magical buddies and some well loved ancestors who were ‘nodding their approval’. And instead of a cloud of smoke I had my soft air pillow full of love, which is much less ridiculous than it sound, and healthier than cigarettes.

And I got to the office, and pryed myself out of the car.

Under my Hat

‘You cut your hair off,’ my neighbour announced to me this morning. I was standing on the sidewalk, watching Jed pee, and he was on his way to the streetcar.

‘Yes I did,’ I said. As usual, I was wearing my hat to cover my very short hairdo. I’ve been wigless for about a month, and fully expect people to be curious when they see me again for the fist time.  I don’t enjoy these moments, and I brace myself for these the times when I run into someone who’s curiosity get the better of them. I actually like this guy, but he was a perfect specimen of the nosey acquaintance. He stopped in his tracks and stared. ‘Take your hat off.’ I said no. He persisted, ‘Come on. Take your hat off. I want to see your hair.’ I told him that I didn’t want to show him. ‘Come on!’ he laughed.

I had two thoughts. Firstly, I thought – how very f*cking rude. Secondly I thought that he would never be satisfied until I show him, and since I see him most days in the park, he wasn't going away. And I also know the routine.  After the big reveal, the nosey acquaintance take a second to digest the hair, and then coughs up a fake compliment. So even though I don’t like exposing myself, revealing seemed to be the path of least resistance.

So I took off my hat. And his eyes roamed around my scalp, and he waited a second too long and told me it was cute. I put my hat back on, and watched Jed roll around the sidewalk. My neighbour smiled, wished me a good day, and headed down the street. I hated moments like this. What I can never figure out is if I have a thin skin, or if people are just stupid.  And I think it’s probably a bit of both.

My neighbour was about three houses away when he called my name and said something I didn’t understand. It sounded like ‘ Janet. Same game in’.

‘What?!’ I yelled impatiently.

‘Gamine! Your hair! C’est trés gamine!’

Hmph. Well that was better, if only a little. I'm a sucker for anything French.  But still,  I kept my chapeau on for the rest of the day. 

A Silky Masterpiece, in 34C

‘If you’re going to do a good job, you need the right tools'

This was something I learned back in junior high when I, for some reason, found myself in a woodshop class. Since then, this sentiment has been reiterated by all those I love and trust. My father, Julia Childs, Mike Holmes, and the Make-Up ladies heading the workshop at Mount Sinai Hotel and Spa. Good tools, they all said, can turn something average into a masterpiece.

The project I’m currently working on is my body, especially my breasts. For the last eight months, everything has revolved around them. They’ve been squished, prodded,  and investigated by legions of experts and state-of-the-art machinery. Currently they’re red and rashy, and one of them is lopsided. My quest is to keep them healthy, and my job is to make them look good. Since they need a little help from the outside world, my tool of choice is the perfect bra, and my experts are the ladies at Sophia’s.

Mecca

 Sophia’s is a lingerie store in Greektown. I’d walked by it a million times before I ever went in and discovered that it catered to every occasion, from slut-wear to post-mastectomy. This is the second time I’d been there so they had already created a file. My previous purchases were two lovely underwire works-of-art with just the right about of support and a pleasing touch of lace. Unfortunately I can’t wear them anymore, cus underwire is a no-no.

Lookin' Good Ladies!

Sophia was sitting in the corner, quietly reading a book. Her associate came to greet me and asked what I wanted. I told her that I was tender and lopsided, and gave her the reason. She glanced over at Sophia, had a brief discussion, then ran around the store returning with twelve options in her hand. I told her that I didn’t want anything that resembled a bandage. She put down four bras. ‘And it’s got to be pretty,’ I said. Sophia mumbled something and the salesgirl put down all but two bras, which she handed to me.

I headed to the change room to try on my new tools. There was a soft knock on the door and it was Sophia, gently asking if she could take a look. Opening the door two inches, I told her I was embarrassed about my chest-al area and would prefer privacy. Undeterred, she swatted her hand in the air in a way only a European Mistress-of-Her-Empire can get away with; a universal signal to cut through all the bulls*it. ‘I’ve seen everything,’ she told me.

So I let her in and she spun me around gently. She murmured,nodded, adjusted the straps, and repositioned some flesh. The bra felt pretty good, and I was ready to make a purchase but Sophia cocked her head, and murmured, ‘No’.

Then she was off, reappearing moments later with a single bra in her hand. In stillness she watched as I put it on. It had soft straps, a front closure, cotton inset, and a delicate trim of slutty lace.

It was the perfect tool, and fit like soft glove. Another job well done. In fact, thanks to a wise Greek woman – a masterpiece.

Lighten up, Ken.

Today I dyed my hair.

As I drove to my salon this morning, I second-guessed my decision to go back to my preferred non-natural colour. It would have been brave, and kind of classy, to embrace my real hair. Some of my friends have resolved to grow out their roots, and I admire their commitment to authenticity. I could have followed their lead, and now that I’d ditched the wig, used this as an opportunity to forego the expensive salons and allow gray into my life. A fresh start, with the real me.

But the real me is quite shallow. And the real me doesn’t want to look like an extra from Cocoon, which is why the real me hides under hats. The real me wants brown hair! But - the real me also wants to avoid toxins, so I looked around until I found a stylist who uses the ‘greenest’ products; those that don’t burn your scalp and make your eyes water. (Her products come from Europe, where unlike Canada, they have banned certain chemicals found in colours, bleaches and tints).

Me

 But one of the challenges of a new stylist is they have to figure out how well your hair will ‘take’ to the color. Miranda, my new ‘green’ gal, slapped on a bunch of dye and wrapped my head in clear plastic for twenty minutes. I was concerned that my 4-month-old hair would resist the dye, but I needn’t have worried, as it absorbed every iota of the colour. In fact it was freakishly dark. After it was rinsed, and sculpted, I looked like a Ken Doll.

It struck me as rather unfair that my hair has been such an issue. First I looked like grandpa, and then I looked I had my hair painted on by one of the talented artists at the Mattel corporation in 1958.  My new stylist smiled down at me reassuringly. ‘Don’t worry,’ she said, ‘It will lighten up’.

I think she was talking about my hair, but it’s possible she may have been talking about life.  So in the spirit of lightening & brightening, and with nothing on my head but a pair of sunglasses, the new real me into my Big Jim Sports Camper, and sped away.

Greta Garb Uh-Oh

I look like a movie star.

Me Greta

This is not glamorous. Due to the need to cover up my skin, I look like an old reclusive movie legend who is trying to disguise her looks from the public. The look I am rocking is that of Greta Garbo,  long after she had lost her sense of style and became a fashion disaster.

On my second last day of radiation, my technician told me that I had to keep my neck and chest away from the sun. Forever. She said that super strong suntan lotion would be helpful, but what I should really wear is a scarf.

And the hat…well, I still have lesbian hair. And as I’ve said many a time, I love lesbians, but I'm not crazy about the manly hair. And even though my cap has a visor to keep out the sun, I still wear giant round sunglasses, cus my friend Rosalie told me that I looked cool.

This look has been great in the spring, but now that it’s summer I look a like a mummy. And this weekend I intend to sit on a dock with some of my favorite friends and drink beer from Mexico.

And I'm pretty sure there's a hat for that.

To Burn, or not to Burn

I’m quite careful about what I put on my face. I don’t use a lot of stuff – but the stuff that I do use is good quality. My two can’t-live-without staples are Dove soap and Burts Bees lip gloss.  Dove was my grandma’s soap, and she had beautiful skin. Burts Bees is sold at the health food store, so I’m assuming that it’s not going to kill me.

Paraben Bad!

My third favorite thing is Keihls Marvelous Mineral Mascara. I like anything Keihls, and this is hypoallergenic, fragrance free and paraben free. Parabens, for those who don’t know, are a chemical widely found in cosmetics, that are also found in breast cancer tumours. Parabens have also displayed the ability to slightly mimic estrogen. Although the dosage found in tumours is very very low,  parabens have now become quite controversial and I prefer to avoid them.

But avoiding them may be more difficult than you’d think, as they are found in lipstick, suntan lotion, moisturizers and toothpaste. Although they are listed among the ingredients, the font size is so teensy tiny that it would require Steve Austin’s bionic eye to decipher the letters.

So, yesterday I was doing a little shopping at the excellent drug store at Mt Sinai Hotel and Spa. Specifically, I was looking for a non-toxic eye make-up remover that I could carry in my bag. I asked the young clerk if she had such a product. ‘Yes,’ she chirped, ‘Would you like the non-stinging kind?’

Really?! Did I hear correctly? I stared at her in disbelief. I couldn’t even believe that this was a real question, and I wondered how many people said, ‘No thanks, give me the kind that burns my eyes’.  So I just looked at her until I finally said, ‘Shouldn’t non-stinging be the standard?’ She laughed cheerfully, ‘I dunno!’

Olive good.

Sadly ‘I dunno’ seems to be the standard for what we put on our face. Most people – like me – are often more concerned with how yummy a product feels rather than what is actually is. So the result is, our teenage sun tanning years were spent under layers of dangerous chemicals and animal fat  (except for my delicious sister Sue who only uses olive oil and lemon for anything skin related, which are the same ingredients she uses for roast chicken).

My mother Violet, who also takes a healthful approach to cosmetics sent me a link to an excellent website which I’m posting here. Because the US government are allowed to use almost any chemical they wish, and  because they don’t review the safety of a product before it is sold, this website fills in where they negligently left off. 

On a lighter note – it’s fun, easy (and safe) to use.

http://www.ewg.org/skindeep/

Dressed for Success

Today I stole my hospital gown.

Radiation, anyone?

Every day when I go in to be sizzled, the nurse hands me a clean gown to wear for my treatment.  All the gowns are one-size-fits-all, so the armholes are often bigger than my head. And they’re not belted, so that mean crossing your arms to maintain a sense of modesty. 

Unfortunately, Princess Margaret First Class Lounge has no lockers in which to leave our clothes, so they must be bundled and carried into the treatment room. As this leaves no arms left to secure my gown, the whole thing is rather sloppy.

But today I was handed a gown with a pleasing blue and white stripe. I put it on, and it wasn’t made for giants. To my delight, it wrapped snugly around my waist and tied securely in place. Normally the gowns look like giant blue potato sacks with a little gray head poking out, but not today.  I looked in the puny changing room mirror and saw that the V-neck that was quite sophisticated.  Flattering, even. In fact, it is the Diane Von Furstenberg of hospital gowns.

With this garment – which accentuated my waist – my arms were free to hold my clothes over my arm, rather than clutching them tightly to my chest. I felt more secure, more controlled, and definitely more chic.

And as every fashionable French girl knows, it’s better to have one fabulous dress than a dozen mediocre ones. So I popped it in my bag and plan to wear it for the rest of my treatments. I may have man-hair, and droopy eyelids, but that’s no excuse to dress like a potato.

A girl must keep her looks up, and a good wrap dress is always in style.

Jet Lag is for Kids

Jesus I’m tired. Tired of being zapped every day, tired of wearing ugly bras, and tired of explaining my man-hair. But mostly I’m just tired of being tired. It’s been a long time since I’ve had a full tank of gas.

To the outside world I appear absolutely fine. My hair is making a slow lesbian-ish return. My eyelashes thankfully, reappeared overnight, and my eyebrows are exactly where they are supposed to be. Physically there is nothing I cannot do, as long as I have a lot of naps and am in bed by nine.

But I can’t complain. Everyday at the Princess Margaret First Class lounge I see many people who are in worse shape than me. Besides the tired looking baldies, there are also people with walkers or wheelchairs who are having a really bad time. And yet, they still manage to put on lipstick and a flashy scarf, and smile at the nurses even though it probably takes all the energy that they do not have.

In fact, there is a surprising lack of complaining in the various waiting rooms along University Ave. Nobody really wants to talk about canceritis anymore, so the conversations often turn to the weather, or Dancing with the Stars. Everyone is so used to running on empty that there’s no point in bringing it up. Treatment is boring, and people’s brains are reaching hopefully to brighter areas.

But in the outside world, people love to complain.  Granted, it’s often legitimate (getting run over by a car on the way to the dentist for an impacted molar) and sometimes it’s silly (pimple). And occasionally it’s just a cry for attention.

Last night I dragged myself to yoga, and lay down on my mat. A few people quietly lay down around me, mostly regulars. Then, as usual, one woman came in at the very last minute, head to toe in Lulu Lemon everything. ‘I’m SO tired,’ she said to the teacher as she entered the room. ‘I can barely keep my eyes open,’ she continued in a loud whisper as she sat down on a mat beside me. Most of the small class was ignoring her, but she was having none of that. ‘I am SO jet lagged’, she said, ‘I just got back from Italy and it was SUCH a long flight.'

Jet lag?! Jet lag is child’s play compared to radiation, and you don’t get to sit in a piazza at the end of the day. Just to prove her point, she yawned.  I yawned back, lifted my legs above my head and examined my feet. My toenails, temporary victims of chemo, were very unattractive, and two of them are covered with Band-Aids. ‘My skin is so dry,’ said the tired lady, to anyone who would listen. Even though I was almost too tired to move, I really didn’t want to hear anything else she had to say. There was one open spot at the back of the class, so I pulled up my mat, and moved.

Relieved, I lay down in my new spot and started my new meditation. ‘Om, om, fuck off. Om’

French Lessons

Creating the impression of coasting through life, especially in the face of adversity, can take a lot of effort. I find that the best way to get through the rough times is to fake it. And by faking it, I mean Pretending To Be French.

Firstly there is the walk. Purposeful, confident, erect. On my many treks to the hospital, I move as though I’m heading briskly down the Champs Elysée rather than down University Ave.

Heading down University Ave

Then there’s the style. No matter how low I’m feeling, I steadfastly refuse to cave in two things. Running shoes, and baseball caps. Athletic shoes are fine for athletics, but they’re too bulbous for downtown France and do nothing to enhance the saucy lines of my swingy summer trench coat. Baseball caps are equally unattractive and don’t belong on woman in any continent, period. (Except for Tiger Woods ex-wife Elin who manages to look quite tragic and lovely in a semi-sporty kind of way ).


My current go-to item is the summer scarf. Apparently sun and radiation don’t mix, as my doctor told me not to expose my chest and neck. So I’ve turned to scarves. Not only are they functional to protect me from harmful solar rays, but also they look so very French. In her book ‘French Woman for all seasons’, Mireille Guiliano says that scarves are the perfect accessory. She explains, for us Anglais, the secrets of creating an identity with scarves. A classic kerchief tie or daring scarf jacket for spring. A belt scarf for summer, and a necklace scarf or shoulder wrap for the fall. 

I will blindly do everything that Marielle says. Who would doubt a woman who says that, in winter, a slice of lemon or grapefruit clarifies the face. Or encourages us to eat real butter, not some low-cal chemical substitute. Or that, 'Gluttony is a desperate attempt to satisfy our head, not our stomach.'  In fact, who would dispute any of the advice written by a woman who was the spokesperson for Champagne Veuve Clicquot. After hearing what she'd have to say, you'd be a fool not to wear a 'belt scarf' in the summer. 


So, even though I can barely drag myself to Princess Margaret first class lounge every morning, I still put on lipstick and  ‘tie my scarf with flair’. And I still walk there with purpose, then purposefully home for a glass of champagne.

Hound with a Hairdo

My wig doesn’t get out much these days. And when it does, it’s often removed once I get indoors whether it’s my home, or someone else’s. As it lays there neglected, I ask those near and dear to me if they’d like to try it on for my amusement. I offered it to my nephew, and he shook his head with a hint of not-so-well-disguised disgust. Jim declined wearing a brown bob, as did my sister Sue.

So yesterday I was sitting on my bed sorting laundry when Jed came sniffing into the room. I looked at my sweet dog adoringly. He’s been my best friend during the last eight months. He doesn’t care that I’m was bald, or crabby, or tired. And he never complains when I have to cut short his walks, in favour of a nap.  And he lets me curl up in his bed, when I’m really really tired.

He came over for a little pat, and then got busy digging his snout into a pile of laundry. Buried in the pile was my $1600 wig. I don’t know how it got there, but it doesn’t surprise me much, since I’ve become quite careless. Jed pushed the wig around with his nose. 

He’s the first person being who has expressed any interest in my fake hair for a long time.  So taking advantage of his generous nature, and for my own amusement, I asked Jed if he’d like to wear my wig. And because he is by best friend,  he said yes.

Iron Poor Blood

When I was very little, my sister Sue and I used to play a really fun game, called ‘Iron Poor Blood’.

It was inspired by a commercial where a husband tried to slow dance with his wife. She wasn’t up to the challenge, and would hang like a rag doll in his arms. The reason? Iron poor blood. After taking Geritol however, she appeared with a zest for life, brand new hair-do, and some excellent dance moves.

Fun and Games

Sue and I preferred the pre-Geritol version.  Sue would usually play the husband (she was taller) and would order me to hang in her arms while she dragged me around the living room. ‘Limper!’ she’d hiss at me occasionally, ‘You have to go limper’.

On the occasion when I would be the man, she would sprawl over me, her arms draped over my sparrow-like shoulders, her head lolling to one side. I’d do my best to pull her across the floor (she was heavier) while she whispered orders at me. ‘Pretend you’re dancing’, ‘Pull me towards the window’ and ‘If you drop me I’ll punch you in the head’. It was such a good time! 


Now when I’m in the Princess Margaret lounge, waiting for my sizzling, I’m reminded of that Geritol commercial.  Most people have been at their treatment for some time, and it shows. Radiation is exhausting. Some patients sit with their head in their hand, some have their eyes closed, and much to my delight – some look like they’re gong to slide off their first class faux leather club chairs. 


There was actually one sleepy man with his legs splayed out in front of him, armpits resting on the armrests, whose arse was dangerously close to slipping off the seat.  It shouldn’t have been funny, but it was. I pictured him sliding onto the floor like a flat cartoon figure. It would have taken a large person to drag him around the dance floor. I watched him for a moment, as he wiggled slightly, jerking himself awake. One eye opened. It rolled in my direction and looked at me. I looked back and gave a small smile.

He might have misconstrued this as compassion from a fellow patient. Or a moment of understanding from a man/woman with grandpas hair.  He may have thought I was smiling at him, but I was actually smiling at the voice of my sister, saying,  ‘Limper! You’ve got to go Limper! Go limper, or I'll punch you in head!'

Vacuuming Naked

Radiation does funny things to the skin. And not ha-ha funny. It’s more like itchy, burning,  redness, rashy kind of funny.

In my quest to maintain some moisture and rebuild cells, I’ve been slathering myself liberally with aloe. Now that I’m on day ten, I have to up my game a little. Redness is creeping in, as well as some unwelcome sensitivity. My 12 yr-old Rad Tech said that aloe might actually by drying me out - so now I’m turning to Lubiderm as well.

Pre-Canceritis

My goo is apllied from my neck down to my ribcage, and order for all this stuff to be absorbed into my skin, I have to keep my top off for about 15 minutes.

So three times a day I draw the drapes (as the queen would say), get gooey, and wander around naked from the waist up. In an interesting development, the baby Rad Tech also said that I needed to moisturize my back , since the radiation also comes from underneath. So that means I can’t lie down. And I can’t really relax when I’m sitting up straight. And so I vacuum!

Post - Canceritis

Not only is it an efficient use of time, but also I really love vacuuming. The machine itself (Miele) is an excellent little friend, and I enjoy the satisfying clinking sound as the dirt from Jed’s paws gets sucked up the tube.  And while I love vacuuming, I don’t particularly like doing it without clothes, but apparently many people do.

I googled ‘Naked Vacuuming’ and up popped pages of info. People described it as ‘liberating’, ‘sexy’, & a ‘strategy for success’. The pictures were even better, including one poor fellow who ‘accidentally’ got his wiener sucked up the hose.

But, I don’t feel ‘liberated’. Instead I feel ‘self-conscious’, ‘cold’ &  'slimy’. But there are woman out there who swear by it, and they are the ones that take it all off for household chores.

Could it be that my pants are holding me back?  Are my demi-curve straight leg Levi’s coming between me and success? Maybe I should try harder. Today, when Jim’s at work and the pets are sleeping I’ll attempt to break out of my shell. Today I'll take my pants off too!

Hey Jude! Shut Up.

I don’t know why anybody bothers to get involved in a debate about whether the Stones are better than the Beatles.  Clearly the Rolling Stones are the better band. And it’s not even a close race. The Stones are a real rock n’ roll band, why the Beatles sing little ditties about wanting to hold your hand.

Don't Wanna Hold Your Hand

In fact, the Beatles are on my list of things that are annoying. Also on the list, in no particular order are CD’s that skip, waiting, radiation, medleys, and static. So I knew my day was off to a bad start when I got to the Princess Margaret Airport Lounge and discovered that my treatment room was not operating ‘On Time’. Slightly irked, I sat down in a first class chair and flipped through a cancer magazine, reading about beets and broccoli.

After 45 minutes I was called into the inner sanctum, where a youngster handed me my gown. I put it on, took off my necklace, and lay down. Oh-Oh.  Rather than the easy listening hits of yesterday came the sounds of ‘Can’t Buy Me Love’, one of my least favorite songs by the Beatles. I was tempted to ask the young technicians to turn it off, but didn’t want to appear bitchy.

So I lay down with my arm over my head and closed my eyes, willing myself to relax. Not so easy to do when someone is holding a ruler to your breast, and Paul McCartney is humming from the CD player. The techies took their measurements, and fled from the room where they could be safe from radiation. With me as a captive audience, Paul started singing ‘Got to Get you into My Life’. I thought that the disc had skipped, but realized with horror, that it was the beginning of a medley.

As two thousand pounds of machinery hovered over my chest, and the green beam pierced my skin, I concentrated on staying immobile. But as the medley continued into an equally offensive song (Love Love me do) the disc did indeed started to skip. Jesus. Not only was it skipping, but also it was giving me short staccato sound bites of all the songs on the CD. 

I hated that Beatles at the moment. (except John, who is the most non-Beatle-y of the group).  I hated their stupid music and their Liverpudlian accents. This was worse than Chinese Water torture, because water doesn’t have floppy hair.  Then I heard a voice over the intercom. It was the Rad Techs, speaking from the safety of their control booth,‘ Is everything okay?’

Apparently I’d moved my head to look at the offending CD player. ‘The disc is skipping,’ I said, neglecting to comment on their shitty taste in music. ‘Oh…’ she said bewildered, as though that did not constitute an emergency. Moments later she was at my side. Dammit, if the beam had pierced my lung I had only the Beatles to blame . ‘Did I disrupt anything?’ I asked. But she said I was fine. ‘Can you please turn off the CD player?’ I asked. She did, then ran back into her booth for safety.

I relaxed somewhat, thinking that Mick would have never let me down like this.  Some bands can do no wrong.  Keef makes everything better. I know it’s only rock ‘n roll, but I like it.

No Wig. No Cavities.

My dentist looks like a movie star. Tall, slender, with long jet-black hair and a pseudo-warm smile that comes from being exceedingly rich and successful. She's sometimes known as Dr. Janet, and sometimes known as the Dentist-to-the Stars. When I’m not in her chair I can often catch her on CityLine, or on the JumboTron with the Toronto Blue Jays, for whom she is the official dentist.

She could also be known as Dr Dorian Gray, because she hasn’t changed since I’ve met her twenty five years ago.  She’s expanded her office to include a fleet of hygienists, but her physical appearance has stayed exactly the same. It’s a point of pride that Dr. Janet tells me I haven’t changed much either. Perhaps she’s lying, but I never get tired of the compliment. The conversation, as you can imagine, goes something like this. ‘Hi Janet, you look great.’  ‘Thanks Janet. You look great too.’

When I go for my yearly visit, I always make sure to do a little extra primping. And even though it is removed immediately, I always wear some lipstick. She does too. A raging red that contrasts widely with her gleaming white teeth.

I put on a clean blouse in an attempt to get ready for my appointment. Then I picked up my $1,600 wig and held it in my hands. It isn’t looking very fresh these days, and is starting to become itchy. I tossed it around  for a few minutes, until I heard the voice of Samantha Jones. ‘Oh, to hell with it!’ she said. She was right. I was getting bored of adjusting my brown bob every few minutes. So with surprising conviction, I tossed my heap of hair back on the dresser. I'd just have to make myself look good without someone else's hair. So I slapped on a bit of concealer, threw on a jaunty cap, and headed uptown.

Before seeing Dr. Janet/Dorian Gray, I spent a little quality time with the hygienist, who had to battle my tartar and update my medical history. And since not a day can go by without talking about canceritis – I told her everything. When she was done, she left me alone for a few minutes, where I adjusted myself to look straighter, relaxed, and hopefully more youthful. And then I saw Dr J coming down the hall.

But before she came in she greeted another patient who was on her way out. She was about 90, and walked with a cane. ‘Are you on your way?’ Dr Janet asked her. ‘Yes,’ said the lady ‘ I have to run, I have a lunch date’. Dr Janet smiled, ‘My, you’re busy.’ The lady grinned, ‘Yes. I can’t waste a minute of my life!’

Well, didn’t I feel shallow after that. There I was, bemoaning the fact that the hygienist had wiped of my lip-gloss.  I was even holding in my stomach and trying to elongate my neck, just so I could look .035% better. All that, just so my dentist wouldn’t take one look at my short grey stubbles (and hat) and think that I looked old.

Dr Janet came in the room oozing confidence and glamour. Obviously she’d read my chart and knew what I’d been through.  She smiled, for real this time, ‘I’m really glad to see you looking so healthy,’ she said. I wanted to ask her if by ‘healthy’ she meant ‘fat’ but decided just to accept the compliment. ‘Healthy’ is still music to my ears. And because health is what I want the most, it was almost compliment enough. Almost. But not quite. So I waited. And Dr. Janet sat down, and gave me the once over. 

‘You look great Janet,’ she said. ‘Thanks Janet. So do you.’ 

I'm a Full Time Job

Tomorrow I start a part time job. But today, as all other days, my full time job is me.

Back in the fall, when I was preparing myself for chemo, a favourite friend said, ‘You have to take care of yourself. That is your job.’ I listened, and took note. But I never thought that I would be so high maintenance. Turns out that I am a full time job. Here's why

Eating Right: (2 Hours)

Jugo sde Naranja

Mom was right. Breakfast truly is the most important meal of the day. These days it’s hot oatmeal, freshly ground flax, sliced fruit, and fresh squeezed orange juice. I use an old fashioned juicer I bought in Mexico. It weighs about a thousand pounds and is a pain in the ass to clean.

Lunch or dinner often involve kale, or something equally and green and leafy. Kale is excellent for it’s health benefits, but takes ages to prepare. Washing, cutting, waiting for it to wilt. Or getting impatient and eating it half cooked, but then it takes too long to chew.

Medical Stuff (3 Hours)

Since the diagnosis, I’ve been to a 63 medical appointments. And since doctors generally keep me waiting, this ads up to a part time job all by itself. Not to mention the time spent on the phone dealing with idiots. During radiation, I’m at the hospital every day. Not a hardship really – but I’d rather be doing something less radioactive.

Exercise (3 Hours)

Man's Best Friend

Walking a basset hound isn’t really ‘exercise’. Carpenter ants pass us on the street. Regardless, I am outdoors on the end of the leash, or in the dog park, trying to be invisible.

And yoga. Classes are 90 minutes, plus travel, and who has time for that? No wonder people are racing across town with their yoga mats looking like they’re on the verge of a heart attack. It’s not healthy.

Domestic Drudgery (2 Hours)

My favourite household task is shaving my pilling sweaters. I have a hand-held machine that is not only highly efficient, but also extremely rewarding. Plus, I can shave while I watch Dancing with the Stars

Man's Other Best Friend

Grooming: (4 Minutes)

Optional. But I always wear lipstick.

Total Time    10 hours and 4 minutes.

Clearly I’m going to have to have to make changes to accommodate my new schedule. Since I go to bed at 9, something has to go. And since Jed, food and canceritis treatment are a priority, something must be struck off the list. So,  So Long Domestic Drudgery! The lady is going back to work.

The Sizzler vs Mother Nature

The Radiation Technicians run from the room once the machine is turned on, leaving me on the table. Radiation comes at me in the form of a giant C-shaped arm that moves around me with a low hum. Unfondly, I think of it as the Sizzler. I lie on the table with my arm over my head cradled in u shaped wrist rest, and a piece of triangular foam under my knees. It isn't uncomfortable. What is uncomfortable is the idea of is what this giant machine actually does. So I don't think about it. The fact the the technicians dash out of the room once it's turned on? That's worrisome.

The benefit of radiation is that is kills the pesky disorganized cells that cause canceritits. But the side effects, naturally, are numerous. Most commonly they include fatigue, rashes, itchiness, burning ....things like that. To alleviate the effects of radiation there are a wide variety of potions, lotions and creams. But as an antidote to the two-ton cutting edge hunk technology, I have my secret weapon.  Aloe.

Sizzler

Aloe gel is the cure for everything. My grandma used to have a plant in her kitchen, and she'd snip off a leaf whenever she needed to tend to a scrape or burn. My mother does the same thing. So does my sister. And now I am counting on it to keep me from looking like a drunken British holidayer who went to Cancun for the first time, covered up appropriately, then fell asleep in the sun after too many margaritas, with one breast fully exposed.

Aloe, aloe

Although many creams have been recommended, I am reassured by something pure. Though I likely still have chemo drugs in my system, as well a daily doses of tamoxifen, and massive doses of radiation, I don't want to put anything on my skin that wasn't created by mother nature. Ultimately, I have faith in both her, and my lovely Lithuanian grandma. I think that they both knew that all that heals us comes from the earth..

'Awesome,' was the way aloe gel was described when I went to the health food store. The sweet boy behind the counter told me that he used Aloe for everything. He swore by aloe for cuts, bruises, rashes, and pimples. According to him, it even cured his varicose vein.

So thrice daily I slather myself with gel, then walk around topless while it is absorbed by the skin (this will be difficult once I start working).  I also use a saline solution, because salt also comes from the earth. (Perhaps I should consider using cucumber since the combination would be delicious!) At home I have a tub of aloe gel. And I carry some around in my bag. Today I am going to pick up a plant, so that I can commune completely with nature.

Tomorrow I will head back to Princess Margaret for the 5th of 25 treatments. Once the green light turns on - the technicians will flee to safety. But my bag, with my aloe gel will  stay in the corner of the room. Mother Nature doesn't leave one's side.

Lounging at Princess Margaret

If Mount Sinai is a Hotel & Spa, then the basement of Princess Margaret is the airport lounge.

I’ve been all over these two hospitals, but for ‘Radiation Therapy’ one goes to the floors ‘below’ of Princess Margaret.  Nothing menacing about the décor, as it is the superior hotel in terms of guest seating.  Downstairs, where we get sizzled, is no exception.

Pale walls, fish tanks, and caramel coloured club chairs all make the area very inviting.  It is not unlike, though not as nice as, the first class lounge at Pearson. Yet there are newspapers and magazines strewn everywhere and people look fairly relaxed, in the loungey way of being in limbo before the final destination. As an added touch, there are little juice cups laid out on the side tables. And I think there may have been biscuits.

But here’s the best part. Upon descending the wide staircase, the passenger passes by an information kiosk. Rather than talk to a human, we scan a card that was presented to us during the preliminary appointment.  On the screen my name comes up, and the unit to which I’m assigned. 15B.  Then on another screen it lists the various available units, and their status.

Perhaps someone is running late? So I look for 15B and there it is. ‘On Time’.  

First class all the way.

Easter Egg Head

I have only left the house twice without my wig since I adopted it, back in the fall. The first time was a dark winter afternoon, when I was given one minute to jump in the car, and I threw on a Russian fur (fake) hat with ear flaps and a visor. The second time was yesterday.

The event was Easter at my cousin’s house full of family and friends, a charming and familiar group of people.  Because I am a chicken, I warned her ahead of time that I may not be wearing anything on my head. ‘Awesome,’ she said. I told her that I hoped it wouldn’t make her kids uncomfortable. ‘They’ll love it,’ she said. ‘Maybe I should wear a hat?’ I ventured. ‘No!’ she screamed into the phone.

So I planned my outfit carefully. Because my hair is now silver-ish, I have the same colouring as Anderson Cooper. So taking my fashion cues from him, I  put on a grey shirt, and accessorised with a blue scarf that would hopefully bring out my eyes while distracting from my super high forehead. And because I wanted to look like a girl, I put on some biggish earrings, which seems to be a common trick amongst bald ladies. And then I put on a hat. ‘Why?!’ cried my stylist, Jim. 'You’re with you family, you don’t need a hat!’ His sentiment was echoed by my sister, ‘What the point?’ she said.

I explained that I didn’t want to make anybody feel awkward, since nobody had ever seen me, for over forty years, without a brown bob. I am not someone who has ever willingly changed his or her appearance and I almost feel a sense of obligation to show up with straight brown hair. Furthermore, the world has revolved around me for the last six months, and I’m used to a lot of well-deserved attention.

Easter Egg

So we drove up to my cousin's house without the wig. Though I did wear a cap for security. And I walked into the house. And I waited. And nobody noticed my hair. Silly me. I am so used to thinking about myself that I stopped remembering how everybody else was changing. One girl in the room was a serial hair-changer, and had drastically changed her look every few month. To her, variety is the spice of life. One boy had grown his hair, shaved it, grown a beard, and genuinely didn't notice what people had coming out of their head as long as there was something good coming out of their hearts. Two of the men, formerly-lock lustered were showing a bit of their scalp, and cheerfully took it in stride.

And the fact is, that everybody else has so many interesting things going on in their lives, that short grey pseudo-lesbian biker hair barely makes it on the radar. Clearly, being wigless with loved ones is an easy thing to do.  The only person making it difficult for me, was me.

So in the safest of environments, I’ve officially come out. It’ll be a while before I debut my head in the dog park. And work will be another story. But for now, I’ve officially come out to my family.

And thanks to them, it was a lovely Easter. The Egg Head felt right at home.

Nurse on Wheels

As I was walking down my street toward home,  a silver Jaguar purred up alongside me. Since I only know one person who drives a Jag, I wasn’t too surprised when I bent down and saw my Russian nurse.

‘Hello Mizz MigLoud!’ he smiled. I smiled back. ‘You look great,’ he said. I realized that he’d probably never seen me in full stride before. But that day I was walking purposefully, and being decked out in knee high leather boots and grey peaked cap, I practically looked Russian. He, on the other hand was wearing a soft gray turtleneck sweater that looked like the underside of a rabbit. ‘You look well too, ’ I told him. He bowed his head slightly, in a bad attempt to be humble.

Russian Nurse Training

I was going to tell Alexi about my last little surgery, but it didn’t seem important. I was also tempted to tell him about radiation, but it’s not something he endorses. Nor is he very enthusiastic about chemotherapy, or any of the aggressive western treatment on which I have been reliant. No matter what we talked about, I rarely had his approval. And I realized approval is something I want in the health care people who have surrounded me during canceritis. Even though it shouldn’t matter, it did. But as I was feeling less vulnerable, I was trying to break the habit of wanting to please.

 Then he told me that his wife and daughter were headed to Brazil to see John of God. I’d first heard about this mystical healer from Alexi who had met him a year earlier. Apparently everyone in the world seems to know about him, thanks to Oprah. For many who do make the pilgrimage, it is as a last resort for a serious illness. In the case of Alexi’s family though, I think it was mostly curiosity.

‘I hope I never have to see John of God,’ I said, ‘I feel good’. Alexi nodded solemnly, ‘I am buhleezed to know that,' he said. Then he rapped his knuckles on the polished burled elm dashboard of his Jag. I told him that it didn’t count unless it was real wood. He looked horrified, as though he’d just witnessed Evengi Plushenko crashing down in the middle of a triple axel. ‘Of course is real wood,’ he said, ‘This is very expensive car!’

I remembered a remark I’d made about his ‘nice car’ last fall. He’d been defensive, saying, ‘Iz just car’. Finally! He admitted that it isn’t just a car. It’s a fancy car, befitting an international man of mystery, nurse, fashion plate, and holistic healer. And since he makes a living doing healing house calls, it's also a calling card.

Unable to think of anything to say, I said good-bye. He drove north, and I went south. And just in case he was watching in his rear view mirror, I marched briskly, just to prove how healthy I actually am. And that was me, seeking approval, hopefully for last time.

Mini Meltdown Monday

Here's what they don't tell you about radiation. In order to get the beams right, they have to mark a series of dots on the intended area. I sort of knew this, but only cus I'd heard it from a friend. And I knew that I'd need a CT scan a week prior to the process, which was today.

I'd gone to a radiation Q & A, so I knew all the fancy terminology, and I'd seen the power point presentation about how radiation works. I read tons of literature, both pros and cons. And as usual, the list of side effects was about fifty miles long. But since I'd made it through chemo without too much trauma, I'd decided that radiation would be the same.  I would make it through unscathed. I'd been advised about all the best creams, saline solutions, and powders, and I intend to use them all.

So I was laying on my back,  ready for my scan. The radiologist, Simon, was doing something to the right side of me that was completely painless. Apart from being chilly (I was, after all, topless) I was relaxed. Then he said that he was going to give me four little black 'tattoos'. These are essentially the size of a pin head.  'Fine,' I said, and let him get to work. 'So when do these things come off?' I asked. 'Never,' he said,  'They're permanent'. I almost sat upright. Never?! I remembered hearing that before, but I guess it hadn't really sunk in. Permanent markings. A permanent souvenir on my chest, of radiation. Not just for me to see, but for anyone who happens to look just off centre from my cleavage, on a day where I might happen to be wearing a V-neck shirt. And as am I am a gal who like to hide things, this was a bit to much for me. I would always have them. Four tattoos. For ever.

So since I hadn't had one for a while, I decided to have a mini-meltdown. It was long overdue.

My New Favorite Spa

Last week I upgraded from my regular spa, known as Mount Sinai Hotel, to a far superior spa, known as St Anne’s. Everything there is better. White hooded fluffy robes instead of thin blue cotton coverings. Pedicures instead of X-rays.  Pillow top beds rather than a narrow examination table. And an afternoon bobbing in the outdoor hot tub, rather than a waiting room.

Our Room with a View at Mt Sinai St Anne's

I ended up there courtesy of a favorite friend who decided we both needed a break from the city.  As we were driving away from Toronto she asked what I was going to do about my hair. I honestly hadn’t thought about it.  This would be my first post-canceritis watery playground, and I was so excited about the getaway that I hadn’t developed my wig strategy. I pondered for a moment and decided that I’d just play it by ear.

Upon arriving at the spa we slipped right into our bathing suits to go into the pools. I took off my hair and hung it in my locker. But going from a swing brown bob to short gray brush cut made me feel like grandpa in drag – so I grabbed a towel and made myself a giant turban. Much better! (There’s something about a head covering that balances my body and makes me feel secure. Without it I just feel like an exclamation mark).

The turban worked beautifully in the waters, and was absolutely appropriate as we wandered about the facility. Taking it off would have been fine too. Almost all the guests are floating around the facility in an Aveda haze wearing only their robes, and if they’d paid any attention to me at all would just have assumed I was a lesbian.

For dinner, we put on some clothes, and I put on my fake hair. Let me point out that everyone in the dining room looks beautiful. Most people are make-up free with dewey skin, and looking twenty years younger when they rolled off the 401. Also, most people had a bit of an alcohol glow. This spa, unlike Mount Sinai, encourages one to bring your own wine and most people were a bit drunk. The lady beside us, Janet,  was a lot drunk. We’d bonded in an earlier yoga class because we shared the same first name. We also apparently shared a love for red wine. We were casually discussing our similarities when she said, ‘But you have much nicer hair then me.’ 

I wanted to laugh. Which I did. I wanted to tell her that it was a wig, which I didn’t. Even though I thought she deserved to know that she was actually the real winner of the ‘Which Janet has Nicer Hair’ competition, I decided to keep quiet.

So I wore the turban the next day too. I could have taken it off, and probably should have. But there were two reasons why I didn’t.  Firstly, I’m shallow, and really enjoyed the compliment.  Even though it’s not my ‘real’ hair, I did have it cut to my liking and had invested a bit of time with my blow dryer.  And secondly I didn’t want to bring up anything to do with chemo, and the other, less enjoyable spa on University Ave.

I don’t mean to knock Mount Sinai. After all, it does save lives. But it doesn’t have a hot tub, and they don’t give you lemon water and biscotti in the lounge. And I may have been there about forty times, but it only took one trip to St Anne’s to know that I like it a whole lot better.