SpongeBob NoPants

Business Casual
Ralph Lauren

There is a reason why you never see SpongeBob on a celebrity best-dressed list. Partly because he’s wearing brown shorts. Partly because he’s porous and yellow. And party because some organisms just don’t flatter their clothes.

Sadly, I am such an organism.

My 14” abdominal scar, which I can credit for my lovely flat belly, doesn’t work with the natural curve of my body. Rather than embrace my waist, the extremities stick out like corners of a pillowcase. Or, as my sister said, like SpongeBob SquarePants. Or, a box of Kleenex. The comparisons are endless but the result is clear. My torso is flat,  and looks like I’ve been run over by a steamroller.

During these leisurely days of house arrest fashion hasn’t mattered. My blousy shirts and stretchy sundresses are quite forgiving. But now that I’m starting to tire of the same three outfits, thoughts have turned to trousers. And here’s what I think. I can’t wear ‘em.

Not only is my circumference larger than before – but even if I could do them up (I can’t) the waistline falls painfully across my belly. I went through my whole pant drawer and nothing came up over my hips. So I went through my fat-pant drawer and I found one pair of linen pants with a side-zip that I could wear, as long as I left the zipper open.

Classic Draw-StringTrouser
Calvin Klein

This seemed like an excellent option, so I wore them undone with my pillowcase corners sticking out the side, hidden by a billowy blouse.

Because I’ve been watching a lot of TV (specifically What Not to Wear) I know that the most important rule of fashion is to dress for your shape. But I don’t want to invest in square blouses, or little brown shorts. I want to dress for my old shape – and Dr H, my plastic surgeon, assures me that with a little outpatient surgery, my curves will re-appear.

But SpongeBob has learned his fashion lesson, and dresses for his shape. So if there were a best-dressed list for quadrilateral organisms, Spongebob Squarepants would be near the top, and JanetNoPants - a few steps behind.